How to Kill Your Lawn

by Eric Gibson

imag0208This manual is designed for the novice yard killer; we’ve found that when you approach an expert lawn destroyer they can become a bit testy. I’ve put together a number of categories for you to choose from, or if you’re feeling really bold, you can sample from each.

The first way is the easiest; simply never ever water your lawn. Unfortunately, during some parts of the year, lawn death may occur too fast, depriving you of a long torturous decline.Sprinkler_Yard

The second way is to over water; this is a popular choice for those that have an automated sprinkler system. Set your system to water every day….I know what you’re thinking, “but plants need water!” Well, what we’re accomplishing here is reducing the root system; fertilizer will be rinsed past those roots foraging for nutrition, weakening its stress resistance and turning it into a water addict. You’ll know it’s working when you start to see the turf losing color and the appearance of diseases, such as large patch and grey leaf spot….and as an added benefit, dollar weed, too. Then again, who doesn’t like lily pads? Please note: watering during a gator gusher, palmetto pounder, gulley washer or frog choker is just showing off.

fall-lawn-maintenanceThe next way is to over fertilize; you’ll trick your lawn AND your neighbors into thinking that you care, but we know it’s just a clever ruse. What’s actually happening is that we’re attracting insects like chinch bugs, sod webworms and grubs, plus providing them with a nice place to live in all that wonderful thatch. If you want, you can combine this with the second method—this way you’ll be flushing all that fertilizer down into the aquifer; that’ll really tick off the environmentalists.

The fourth way is to mow too short. This hampers the grass’ ability to photosynthesize, making it struggle for life and allowing weed seeds to germinate. What you’ll get is a wide variety of weeds, real diversity! After all, you don’t judge.MOW-HOUSE1

Lastly, mow infrequently with a dull blade. This will give a tattered appearance to the grass and leave big piles of cuttings to kill spots in the yard, giving you that highly desirable impact crater look.

We hope this guide proves useful; you’ll be the talk of the neighborhood!

Eric Gibson is the Director of Marketing for Nozzle Nolen, Inc. of 5400 Broadway, West Palm Beach 33407. For more information about Nozzle Nolen, please visit on the web, on Facebook or call (561) 578-4787.


Nozzle Nolen is a member of the U.S. Green Building Council (USGBC). For more information about Nozzle Nolen and its Certified Green Solutions Program, visit or call (800) 22-NOLEN.

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